Kovacs, Crazy Girls and Disney Princesses

When I was in high school the extent of my reality television repertoire was The Hills and Laguna Beach. Since 2007, it has grown considerably. This is due in large part to my former roomie, Amanda. My current reality TV obsession is as follows:

• Big Brother
• The Real Housewives of The O.C.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey
• The Rachel Zoe Project
• Say Yes To The Dress
• DC Cupcakes, House Hunters, Real World, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore (all sometimes)
• The Bachelor
• The Bachelorette

And now, last but not least, the most recent edition to my DVR is the newest installment of The Bachelor franchise. Yes, ladies and gents, that would be Bachelor Pad.

Last night, contestants were welcomed into the bachelor pad, or as most of America recognizes it, the bachelor mansion. These contestants are not in unfamiliar territory -- they are all former season rejects of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. It's the same premise as the other two. Hot boys, hot girls, dates and roses, while adding a monetary incentive for the last standing competitor.

Yeah, there's money involved, but it's The Bachelor and Chris Harrison (LOVE HIM) is the host, with some co-hosting assistance from the ever lovely Melissa Rycroft-Strickland, so love is a central theme throughout the series.

I walked away from my television with a few questions.

What is going on between Elizabeth and Jesse Kovacs? What in the WORLD happened to

Tenley between now and the end of Jake's season?! Why is Michelle (obviously) still crazy?

Why is Jonathan aka The Weatherman even there? Really?

First, let's cover the easy.

Yes, I believe Jonathan is there solely for comedic relief. If everything else about Bachelor Pad is a flop, at least we can laugh at the ridiculous things he says. Case in point, "There just weren't enough roses for all of Michelle's personalities... And it's hard to put a rose on a straitjacket."

This brings me to Michelle. Girlfriend, come on! Hooking up with Creepy McCreepster Craig M. isn't going to keep you around. Did you watch Ali's season? He was perceived as "the douche," and more often than not, if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck... Nookie will not make a boy like you or even respect you. Nookie, especially on the first night, will only make him think you're easy. Also, attacking Tenley, whether she started the rumor or not, will you get you booted.

Clearly, Jake was Tenley's rebound from her marraige and kitty is on the prowl. I want Kiptyn and Tenley to live happily ever after, but since we're talking about The Bachelor, that isn't likely.

Finally, that brings me to Elizabeth and Jesse K. First of all, Jesse K. is a hot, hot hottie. Elizabeth is a bit of a tease, maybe also a little crazy, and likes to play games.

Jesse, I want you to know that you can't hook up with a girl for three straight months and be "just friends." It just doesn't work that way. Some women are not the brightest and if you don't say, "I only want to hook up. I don't want to date you," they will fall in love with you. Just like Elizabeth.

She said on more than one occasion that she was "in love with Jesse Kovacs and he doesn't feel the same way." Um, ok Stage Five Clinger, back the eff up. If you want any kind of future with Mr. Winemaker, DON'T TELL HIM YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM WHEN HE DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU! That's a one-way ticket to CrazyTown. Also, if he doesn't feel the same way about you, stop pining away for him. You're on national television, you don't look anything but pathetic.

Somehow, though, Elizabeth uses all of this to her advantage and threatens Jesse with elimination if he doesn't start being "nice" to her. A) That's blackmail. B) Why would you even want him to be nice to you if his feelings aren't genuine? Elizabeth, you're just asking for heartache.

P.S. Please dye your hair. I like it better dark. K, thanks!