Something's Missing

I am a person that likes patterns. I go through the same routine everyday: wake up, shower, fix breakfast, put on make-up (while eating said breakfast), blow-dry/style hair (while still eating said breakfast), brush teeth, get dressed, leave. I am out the door within five minutes of the same time everyday.


I guess I like patterns. It gives me comfort to know what will be going on each day and when. I'm not really a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, and I thrive in the midst of a routine.


However, some patterns are meant to be broken.

For the last few years of my life, I've been distracted. There was no major event in my life that's been keeping me distracted for that time, but rather a minor event that's occupied a major amount of time. This distraction, which resembles more of an addiction, has generated a pattern in my life. Not a good kind of pattern, mind you.


This pattern/addiction/routine/habit/whatever is a lot of fun when it's fun. But when it's not, it's really not. For a few days/weeks it seems to be rewarding, but then it's followed by weeks/months of emptiness, a few tears, loneliness and just a feeling that something's missing.


It flat sucks! You'd think after so much time I would know better, but I guess that's the life of an addict. For a while, I thought I'd kicked the habit, but I think I just filled the space with another addiction. That wasn't smart because when that fizzled, I just went back to what I knew. MISTAKE!


Anyway, not the point. Something's missing. I have completed my cycle again and I'm feeling all sorry for myself, lonely and like something's missing. I know what that something is and I don't know why I do this. I am a child of an all too forgiving God, and if I were Him, I wouldn't want me.


But He does, which is what makes Him so amazing. He is what I need, and nothing or no one else. No addictive patterns, no dark chocolate or coffee, no iTunes, no sushi. What will it take to get this through my thick skull? I know as a Christian, I shouldn't be so concerned with worldly goods, but I fail. I should be practicing things like patience and perseverance instead of being concerned with the here-and-now. God is preparing for me both a place and a partner and I just need to wait it out. He knows what He's doing and it's up to me to STOP trying to take matters into my own hands for a quick fix.


It's something that must be done, no matter the struggle it creates for my merely HUMAN life.