Happy Thoughts?
April 16, 2008
Current mood: Thoughtful
Category: Life
Mmk... So it seems I can never generate anything worth writing, much less reading unless something is bothering me or I'm just bummed. Does that make me emo? Gosh... I hope not. Maybe it's because all my happy thoughts seem to come out in a rush or a ramble and just don't make much sense? Well... I'm going to climb up on my soap box and try to create something positive and worthwhile at the same time...we'll see!
After spending the last year or more clinically depressed (that's a self diagnosis..haha.), the last couple months of my life have been the happiest that I can ever remember. Ever. except for a few happy moments here and there it was pretty much shit. No exaggeration there... Nothing on the outside seems to be much different so I'm just sitting here trying to figure out why...?? Why am I so happy? What's so great about my life now that wasn't so recently?
Throughout my whole 19 years of living I've been a people pleaser. I very rarely put myself before anyone else. Not that selflessness is a bad thing, I just spent so much of my life worrying about everyone else that there was no time left to please ME. I was always that person trying to keep everyone else happy and avoiding confrontation all the while. I could never tell people no, wanted EVERYONE to like me and was crushed when/if they didn't, hated if someone was mad at me, never wanted to let anyone down, etc. I HATED all those feelings.
Maybe that's where it all starts. Everyone knows I was "little miss high school" growing up. I got good grades, was well liked by teachers and most students, played sports, was in all the academic clubs as well as the service organizations, (haha..like there's so many in Ira..) and was nominated for homecoming queen..you know, all that good rot. But now that I look back on it all, even though I cherish the friends and memories I made in high school, I realize I did all that for everyone else, whether it be friends, teachers, or parents. But none of it was really for me. I thought I was happy then and maybe I was. Or maybe the person I used to be was? I knew that if I ever dreamed of quitting basketball that my actions would be affecting 9 other girls and not just myself. So thoughts such as this were pushed to the back of my mind and saved to bitch about on a later day.
My senior year brought about a lot of changes and sudden realizations and soon the "friends" that had been with me so long weren't around much. So I made a new friend. This person was completely unlike everyone that I had normally surrounded myself with. He was definitely the "Ugh... I hate my life..." type. He didn't care what people thought about him or how popular he was. I wanted to be just like him... He told me, "All I can promise you is my friendship. No matter what, I'll be here." I haven't forgotten those words and I probably never will. Suddenly, he was the only one I wanted to keep happy. Forget everyone else. I thought if I had him and his friendship, I would be just fine.
But things began to progress and it developed into something much deeper than a friendship. He became my "person." I went to him for everything and shared my life with him like I never had with anyone else. School, family, friends, religion, everything. Just being able to talk to someone that even pretended to care seemed to make it all better. I trusted him with every part of me and tried to be everything to him that he was to me. And even though we had our own ups and downs, I truly believed he would ALWAYS be there for me and be my very best friend. Number 2 on my speed dial, "cookie", my "b.friend." I trusted him with things I shouldn't have and forgave him for things I never should've let happen to begin with. So all this time that he made me believe he was building me up, he was only tearing me down inside and I had no idea until it was much too late.
Long story short, things change. He's gone and we're over, like I never even existed. And after months of prayer and inner and outter evaluation I'm finally all right. I still think about him -- a lot. He's still the best friend I'd ever had -- at that point in time. And I would probably still be there for him if he needed me. But never again will I let myself fall like that. Trust on the outside, not on the inside. Always be independent before you let yourself lean on someone else. It's far too often that people turn out to be exactly who they said they wouldn't.
So..from now on, I'm worrying about ME first, not YOU. Whoever you may be. And you can think what you want, say what you want, it doesn't matter. All that really matters is what i think of myself and what I'll say face to face to Jesus when that day comes. If I'm not happy with myself, I won't be happy with you. So let me be me and live my life the way I want. I'll be fine; I promise.
How's that for positivity?
Last Wednesday: Good Vibrations
Next Wednesday: When Great Isn't Good Enough
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